Angela Ruiz & Mary Ruiz 
WHERE SILENCE ENDS [EPUB ebook] 
A MEMOIR

CONTENTS

Preface i

Silence Imposed 1

Silence Manipulated 25

Silence Ends 125

Bonus Read 240

Acknowledgments 242 

Preface

April 2018

Time passes and I don’t know how to begin. 1:00 p.m., 1:23 p.m., 1:53 p.m., 2:23 p.m.

Long stretches of silence mark the time. I haven’t moved from my seat. My journal is open in front of me while I bob my head to the same song on repeat, twirling my pen. This is all I’ve written.

I’m writing a story, one full of so much estranged emotion that it could only be found hidden in the depths of people’s private lives and histories. Yet, on the rare occasions we dive into the dark abysses and explore their depth, light shines upon them, revealing the complexity of their truth, and we become unafraid. Our deepest fears, worries, and guilts are understood and become our allies. Stepping into hope, we hold in our minds the answer to a life of love, light, forgiveness, empathy, and more love. When we dive deep, we come to realize the possibilities of our own consciousness.

The thing is, the stories do not get any easier to read or tell. As you go through this book, they will punch you in the gut, one right after the other. I write, however, so the truth may be heard. I write so my mom may further her healing. I write so I may heal, and my family may heal, and all affected by my abuelito may heal. I write for those who have survived sexual abuse, rape, physical violence, mental abuse, and more. I hope this book helps you find even more strength within you. Know you are not alone and that the beauty of life is all around. It may feel impossible but with effort, focus, and much practice, you can see that beauty. Though at times you may feel enslaved to your own thought cycles, you can come to master the patterns of your mind. According to the physician and trauma expert Gabor Mate, from his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, ‘We may not be responsible for the world that created our mind, but we can take responsibility for the mind with which we create our world.’

Use that power. Lean into the human potential to be your own healer. Lean on others – support is vital. But in the end, no one but yourself can keep your light shining.

So, I sit, engulfed in my own despair, unsure what to make of how I feel. Just feeling. Not sure how to understand what bubbles and mixes inside of me. Shouldn’t this state fuel me as a writer, regardless of the black, wrenching emptiness that boils from seemingly nowhere? I keep my breathing constant. Just breathing. Then, out of the nothingness, a tiny breath saves me, trickling in a calm, blanketed wave of peace. Happiness ensues, as a smile appears on my face, sending a message of tranquility through my veins, straight into my heart.

I remember the beginning. The pureness of my being. The weightlessness of my light. I remember that I am free. I feel the essence of me, just within my reach – floating above me, around me, under me, through me. The realization flashes before me, as it often does throughout life, that I am always here for me. That I exist despite the dark. That I exist within the dark. I am, and so I shall always be, as long as I allow myself to sink into the love of my light.

I close my eyes, tears emerging from the corners, falling slowly. I smile as I feel the ache in my chest, welcoming it, allowing it to wash over me, so I may pay my dividends to the pain that has clearly also made me. I give the darkness its voice, acknowledging its being, and so it washes and washes, becoming, morphing, twisting, dancing into light. 

Of her family, Mary was the first to be born outside of Mexico, in Southern California. She was blessed with three beautiful children, and two grandchildren – so far. Her goal is to reach people of all ages who have suffered abuse, empower them to speak out, and let them know that they are not alone. Mary believes the more we speak about our traumas, the stronger we become.