Kelly Oxford is . . .A wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds Not the queen of the world An underage schnitzel-house dishwasher The kid who stood up to a bully and almost passed out from the resulting adrenaline rush A born salesman Capable of willing her eyesight to be 20/20That girl who peed her pants in the gas station that one time Totally an expert on strep throat Incapable of making Leonardo Di Caprio her boyfriend A writer A certified therapy assistant who heals with Metallica mixtapes"Not fat enough to be super snuggly." —Bea, age four Not above using raspberry-studded sh*t to get out of a speeding ticket"Bitingly funny. But everybody knows that." —Roger Ebert Sad that David Copperfield doesn't own a falcon A terrible liar
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