M-theory, the latest attempt by scientists to formulate a grand theory of everything, is doomed to failure from the outset. Why? Because it ignores the unextended domain outside space and time, the domain of zero and infinity. M-theory explicitly sets out to prevent the appearance of zero and infinity in any of its equations. It is the last will and testament of materialism, its concluding grand folly before it confronts the truth of an immaterial partner to the material world. So, here is the tale of the cosmos. We will take you on the strangest journey from Kabbalism, Zoroastrianism, Manichaeism, Gnosticism, Hermeticism, Rosicrucianism, Platonism, Neoplatonism, the Emerald Tablet, the Golden Dawn, Aleister Crowley, the "perennial philosophy", genies, Aristotle, entelechy, Forms and matter, mind and matter, universals and particulars, all the way to M-theory. Judge for yourself who has the better answers regarding the true nature of existence: scientists or the Pythagorean Illuminati.