Eddie Jones 
Hard Aground, Again [EPUB ebook] 
The Incomplete Idiot’s Guide to Doing Stupid Stuff With Boats

Dear POTENTIAL BOAT OWNER: I offer the below letter from a yacht broker as a warning. Boat ownership is not nearly as easy as Jimmy Buffett makes it out to be. Beer helps. Money helps more.

‘Thank you for your recent inquiry as to the availability of the Fit 2B Untied. I’ll be honest: I had no idea anyone would ever be interested in this boat. Especially in this economy. But knowing how a man in your position would hate to pass up a good deal, I charged ahead and drafted your checking account the full asking price for this perfect yacht. I’ve texted you a picture. As you can see, she’s a classic. Or was. (More on this, later.)

‘I originally thought $39, 000 sounded a little high for a 27-foot boat in this condition, but the man at the salvage yard assured me that was a fair price. The fact they don’t make this model any more concerned me at first. I thought maybe the design had fallen out of favor, but my contact explained that it had something to do with lawsuits and actuaries. Anyway, when I heard that, I began to feel better.

‘Now, knowing how a person of your stature likes to have things done right, you’ll be interested in the information I managed to gather about the engine.

‘First, you’ll be pleased to know we were able to knock the rust off the engine block and find the serial number. We traced it back and found that it WAS NOT originally a diesel engine. I must say I was surprised. It sure smelled and leaked oil like a diesel engine. My contact at the salvage yard said the engine could probably be converted back to gasoline, if you like, making it as good as new. Knowing how important it is to move fast with these projects, I went ahead and drafted your account the $8900 fee so the men on the yard could get started.

‘About the boat itself. Who would have thought that for that price it would have a big hole in it?

‘It sure caught me by surprise, I’ll tell you that. I didn’t even notice how low she rode in the water until we did the sea trial. The two of us barely escaped before she sank. 

‘By the way, after the sea trial the man working on the engine restoration project must have gotten sick or something because I haven’t seen him since I gave him the money I drafted out of your account.

‘Oh, here’s some more good news. I ran into an engineer from the Ukraine who said he could refit your boat for $22, 500. He said he used to work for the Russian navy before he retired to the States. His last retrofit was that submarine, the Kursk. That’s the one that blew up and sank. But Yuri — that’s his name — said he stands behind his work. ‘Way behind, ‘ I think were his exact words.

‘I drafted your account for half the renovation fee because I knew, based on the sparse amenities on your yacht before it sank, that you’d want any improvements done before you saw it. I’m sure Yuri is down there in the water right now looking for your boat because I haven’t seen him since.

Signed–Your yacht broker, where our to motto is, ‘You’re broker today than you were yesterday. 

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